Kill Me Now
by MollyWollyRose
Summary: Leah and the gang are trained spies and assassins working for a mysterious company known as Legacy Corp. Jacob is her cocky partner and all of a sudden, her year-long celibacy vow seems sort of pointless. Sort of inspired by the FX show, Archer.


**NEW STORY ALERT! My writers block is almost over and as my creativity juices start flowing again, I've been typing like crazy. Let me tell you it's kind of hard to explain to my mom why the sound of typing computers keys has been stuck in her dreams for two weeks. **

**But whatever. Boo hoo, mom! I'VE GOT MY CREATIVITY BACK!**

**Now, as usual, read and review!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kill Me Now: Leah and the gang are trained spies and assassins working for a mysterious company known as Legacy Corp. Jacob is her cocky partner and all of a sudden, her year-long celibacy vow seems sort of pointless. Sort of inspired by the FX show, Archer. <strong>

**Chapter One: Invincible**

**LPOV**

"Oswald Jenkins..." I muttered, reading the file as I lounged on the soft dirt and leaned against a tree. "How trailer trash is that? No wonder he changed his name to Johnny Lucifer." I thought about that for a second. "Jeez. Ego much?"

"Clearwater, I'd appreciate it if you just shut the fuck up for about three seconds." Jacob said, deadpan, adjusting the strap on his belt that held his kinfe, gun, and other fatally dangerous weapons. This was something he always did when he was nervous.

"Fuck. And here I thought that you liked the sound of my voice." I responded without looking up, the bored tone of my voice indicating that I could really give two flying fucks what he'd 'appreciate.' "However will I live with the disappointment?"

"I resent that, Clearwater." He said, bending to snatch the file out of my hands. But of course, I was too stubborn to let it go, so we ended up having a mini-tug of war. "I like your voice. Especially when we were still 'friends-with-benefits'. Oh yeah. Especially then."

"Fuck you." I shot back, letting go of the file and watching with a smug sense of satisfaction when he stumbled into a tree. "Turn on the radio. I wanna hear how Rose is doing."

"Yes, because every man wants to hear his best friend's wife gettin' it on with a perverted drug lord." He muttered. But he did what I said.

_"Mmhmm, oh yeah... Ahhh..." _Rose's voice sounded from the device. Jacob winced and plugged his ears with his hands. I shoved them back down. We needed to hear the code word.

_"Oh baby... Such a good little slut..." _Oswal- I mean, Johnny said from the speaker. I heard a brief silence and winced. Rose was not gonna like that, even though, that was essentially what she was pretending to be.

_"Fuck me against the window baby..." _She moaned. _"I want people to see us..."_

_"Your wish, my command..."_ I stared at the window and waited until their silhouettes appeared through the mesh screen of the open window. Two figures appeared. While was turned, she gave us a quick wink. I rolled my eyes.

_"Oh yeah. Give it to me." _I almost threw up.

_"Mmmmmm! Do it NOW!" _From above me, Jacob lifted his gun and pulled the trigger, taking care not to shoot Rosalie. The poison filled bullet sunk neatly into Johnny's shoulder, where luckily, he did not feel it.

After a couple seconds, his movements became jerky and unfocused. From the radio, I could hear Rosalie pretending to be startled and Johnny was groaning and moaning in pain. I continued to listen and peer through binoculars through the window as Jacob began to pack up our gear.

_"What's going on?" _A guard asked, pushing his way into the room. He took in Rosalie's lingerie and tear stained face and Johnny lying lifeless on the floor. He grabbed Rosalie's shoulder roughly. _"What did you do you little bitch?"_

_"I didn't do anything! I swear it. He just slumped over." _She defended herself. I had to commend her for her superior acting skills. _"Oh fuck..." _

_"What's going on here?" _Emmett's voice boomed through the radio. I laughed softly as I took in his 'pimp suit.' The purple pleather monstrosity and phony Spanish accent was just too much to bear. _"Rosie baby, did you give another man a heart attack?"_

_"I'm so sorry, Daddy E." _Rosalie begged, running into his arms. _"I'll never do it again."_

_"That's what you said the last time, slut." _He said, with a fondness that almost betrayed their relationship.

_"Excuse me, asshole." _The guard said, stepping up to Emmett and pushing him in the shoulder. _"But your little bitch just killed him."_

_"She did no such thing." _Emmett said, cool as ever. _"It's not my fault Johnny over there couldn't get it up for my best whore. Besides, I warned him that he would probably have a heart attack when he got her. Of course I was joking, but still. But don't worry, I'll deal with her when we get back to the house. Isn't that right, Rosie-baby?"_

_"Yes sir..." _Rosalie purred as they walked out of the room, leaving the distraught bodyguard to his duty. Before they could leave, however, the man must have decided that that was unacceptable. I heard the click of a gun, followed by many more.

_"You really don't want to do that, hombre." _Emmett growled, as he and Rosalie each unearthed two guns from his jacket. The bodyguard was so startled, he almost dropped his gun. _"Gotta keep my merchandise safe. You know how it goes. Now if you'll excuse us, we're leaving."_

"C'mon Clearwater, we've gotta go. Jasper's got the car ready." I turned quickly and ran smack into Jacob's hard chest. He looked down at me and raised a thick, black brow. "Well, now's not really the time for that, considering you took that celibacy vow. But I'm willing to help you break it."

"I've said it once and I'll say it again: Fuck you, Black." I muttered, hating the feel of his hard body against mine. I swore to myself I wouldn't be so weak and pushed him away. "That was not professional, Black. We're on assignment."

"Since when has anything between us been professional, Leah?" He asked, throwing an arm around my shoulders sending a wave of pure... man lust straight to the area between my legs. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath as I tossed it off.

_Calm down... Just because he's made of muscle, and that black tee is clinging to all the right parts of his torso, and those cargo pants curves around his behind like a glove, and his hair looks really touchable, and those hands... NO! Do not compromise your vow! You only have a little more to go._

"... And I think this celibacy thing is cool, I guess. I can respect that. But in my personal experience, I find that a shortage of sex leads to shortage of blood flow to the brain, and then a slow, painful, cock blocked death." I hadn't even realized that he was speaking, but it was obvious what he was talking about. "I mean, six months without sex is like... starving when there's a perfectly succulent..." I literally stopped breathing when he said that. The way his mouth curved around that word made me want to toss him to the ground and screw him like crazy.

"... Clearwater? Are you listening? Whoo-hoo, is anyone up there?" He waved a hand in front of my face and I scowled.

"Of course I'm listening." I said, scowling when he smirked knowingly. I put a hand on my knife, just daring him to say something smart. Thankfully, he just shook his head and kept walking. For that I was thankful. It would have been a crime of nature to take such a wonderful cock... I mean, such a wonderful man out of this world.

_"LEAH, JAKE!" _Alice's voice sounded through the walkie-talkie. _"You've got trouble."_

No sooner did the words leave her mouth that someone began to shoot at us. I looked up to see men in black surrounding Jacob and I. As I turned to inspect my surroundings, I backed up. Jacob and I were back to back.

"Put your hands up and freeze! Drop that bag!" Jacob dropped the bag and we lifted our hands. "My men are under orders to kill you if you try any funny business."

"Jake?" I whispered, knowing .

"Yeah?" He responded, shifting slightly. "I know what to do."

I felt for the small guns and knives in my wristbands and felt Jacob doing the same. "You ready?" I whispered.

"Hell yeah."

I pressed a button in my boot and we ducked at the lethal knives flew out of our bracelets at lightening speed, cutting down a good amount of the men surrounding us. That gave us time to grab our guns and we did what we did best.

We shot the hell out of them.

"You get that side, I'll get this side." All traces of his joking were gone now and he was all business.

Within a matter of seconds we had defeated the fifty men thick group, having dodged so many bullets, it'd make any other person's head spin.

"That was some good kicking there, Jake." I said as I wiped the sweat from my forehead.

"Thanks. Nice backflip over there. Been workin' out I see." He muttered, picking up the bag where we had discarded it. "This was my favorite shirt." He said as he pulled another identical black t-shirt out of his bag. Without any warning, he tore off his soiled shirt and pulled on the new one. "It's a good thing I always come prepared."

Still recovering from the shock of seeing him tear his shirt like a beautiful savage man-god, I let out a hysterical laugh as he walked toward me.

"Now, I know that you took that vow and all that shit, but I really think that in light of these events, we should go back to my place, take a nice hot shower for two and celebrate by fucking like animals in the comfort of my silk sheets." Jacob said bluntly, no shame whatsoever in his demeanor.

"No." I said simply.

"But Leah..." He whined. "I could have suffered some psychological trauma from this. I need comfort, and what better comfort can I get than the comfort of your delicious rack." He let his eyes run over my destroyed tank top and smirked when I crossed my arms.

"You? Traumatized? Don't make me laugh." But I did anyway. "We've gotta go though, they'll be wondering where we are. A figure behind him caught my eye and I smirked. "Oh and Jake?"

"Yeah."

"DUCK!" He instantly crouched as I shot down Johnny's last remaining bodyguard. The man slumped lifelessly to the ground and Jacob rose.

"Thanks for that, Clearwater." He said, falling into step beside me.

"Don't mention it."

"Really, that was some..."

"No, seriously. Don't mention it." I interrupted, smirking at his cool expression.

He threw his arm around my shoulders as we stomped over the dead bodies to get to the car, where Alice and the gang were waiting.

And this time, I didn't shrug it off...

* * *

><p>NO MORE WRITERS BLOCK! Well, for the moment at least.<p>

As usual, read and review!


End file.
